On My Own Terms
As a neurotic music producing artist
This is something that was really tough for me to do consistently. In fact, to some degree, it still is. I make music that doesn’t always get nicely categorized into specific genres (hence the term genrebender or genrefluid). From a marketing and ‘fanbase’ standpoint, it currently sucks not being put into a box. However from an artistic standpoint (if what I do can be considered ‘art’ by ‘elitists’), I’m fairly satisfied. In this post, I want to express insecurities I’ve had as an artist until fairly recently.
Why Be You When You Could Be Lo-fee?
Disclaimer: I love the Lo-fi movement. I used to listen to Blissed Beats playlist on Songza back in university and I do occasionally listen to the countless playlists on Spotify and Youtube. Love the move towards jazzhop and all that jazz (and lofi).
I’ve tried to make lo-fi (like the current standard of lo-fi) but I have issues with intentionally copying other people and their process to a tee (ie, find jazz sample, loop it and add dirty/gritty drums, get depressing soundbite from movie/anime for basic lo-fi, name it like panic at the disco names their tracks except more depressing). It’s a blessing and a curse really. A blessing because I can develop my own sound and experiment, but a curse because I feel as though it may be hard to get exposure by not being closely tied to the movement (this is coming from my bruised ego). Additionally, I think that on some level my in-authenticity in trying to produce low fidelity lo-fi can be heard in my tracks (defeating the purpose of being an artist).
I Got Caught in the Trap
Minus the fact that I tried doing hard trap for a minute (a year) but ended up just gliding into atmospheric trap type stuff, I got caught in the literal trap of wanting to be like everyone else (to fit in). This short term thinking gnawed at me continuously because I would feel crappy trying to be something I’m not. Based on some videos I watched, I felt that I should follow trends (go to Instagram, consider doing videos, do the kiki/keke challenge, etc.).Ironically, I failed at my attempts to follow trends because I got in my own way. This caused me grief (I’m stubborn).
Self Expression is Easy
Expressing myself musically and creatively isn’t difficult (it really comes easy). The problem is when I go from (being in )flow to going mental (aka going from HIM3E to ‘creating a type beat’). It’s when I go into comparison mode does expression become tough; depression due to self suppression).
I may come off as a dweeb when I blog this but I feel like I get in a mindset where I emotionally get sucked into the lifestyles that I see on Youtube with producers. On a logical level, I know that most of what is seen is a facade akin to ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. Yet a part of me begins to pick apart my authenticity, what I do as an artist. It’s toxic and I know it. In a weird way, I let media remold my values and metrics of success as an artist (especially when I get into this comparative mode). I allow curation and video edits control my self perception and think about things as if it’s a popularity contest. Although it’s pathetic, I get in this mood once in a while.
At my most vulnerable and ironically most self absorbed, I begin to believe that my music (and 9/10 times I myself) is mediocre because if I can’t get views and clout, then I must be worthless (aka light Dr. Phil territory).
There is something that I’ve had to remind myself recently which helped me reframe my art/music and to remain passionate (and I hope it may help you)
I can’t be everything and you probably can’t produce every style of music (well). This realization of not being able to do everything hurts my generalist/dilettante personality). As a music lover, musician, and now music producing artist, I love music that is different and has a personal twist to it. I love making music that has a personal twist to it (that doesn’t directly follow the legitimate successful formula for songwriting). But the key thing is to do what you want to do musically. Make music that truly moves people (or at the very least moves yourself). If you try to constantly make music for ‘now’, you may constantly be left out and behind. Even if you make music that fits right now and it gets popular, what happens if now that’s the box everyone wants to keep you in? What if you want to do something more obscure but you were too focused on getting popular now with sounds that you barely tolerate versus love? As I write this, I don’t have a following but these are things that I ask myself when I get self indulgent about not having millions of listeners right now.
I don’t know if what I do musically will ever be heard on a wider/larger scale. I’m not necessarily giving up or anything. I’m just uncertain about the future of my art (financially) and if there would be potential for making a ‘full time’ comfortable living from it. Regardless of that uncertainty, I will continue to make the genres I enjoy and not judge myself because I’m honestly just grateful that I’m able to even get the ability to make music outside of being a pure pianist or guitarist or saxophonist.
Note 1: I’ve held off on posting this for a while (like well over a month)
Note 2: I’m no authority and I’m only writing from my point of view. I’m not sure if this will resonate with neurotic musicians with a popularity and insecurity complex. I wrote it in an attempts to express this vulnerability of mine (something tough for me to do even if I’m basically anonymous). I’ve had this affliction for comparison and self indulgence for a number of years(as probably most of you). I’ve spent many a time bashing myself for not being able to ‘succeed’ in a transparent/ obvious way to the people around me when it comes to ‘the music thing’; for choosing the harder path at the moment. Success= money and fame in today’s world. I’ve let the state of shame get to me and it has driven me mad. I’ve spent to much time feeling bad and not enough time just enjoying the fact that I could be experimental and doing what I love right now when few people are listening. I hope this makes some sense to you as the reader.
Thank you.
